• Which Journey are You On?

    Which Journey are You On?

    We have long talked about the different tracks that make up our Presence-Based Coaching and Leadership training. I’m speaking here of two concurrent paths of development that take place in parallel. One journey is about the “Doing” as a coach or leader. This refers to the process of learning the specific skills, mindsets, and competencies in order to deliver a coaching or leadership conversation to a client or team that is competent and effective. The second journey is about the “Being” of a coach or leader. This involves practicing the cultivation of your own presence as a practitioner, as well as supporting your clients or team to become more present as well.

    We are fond of saying what matters is not only what you do, but who you are. We understand that the who you are actually impacts what you are able to do. In the Presence-Based work, we build both proficiency in skills and in capacity for how we are able to show up.

    Walking Each Path

    We have discovered over the years that both of these journeys of Doing and Being are inextricably linked and mutually reinforcing. They occur simultaneously, even though one aspect might be focused on at any one time. Picture the double-helix strand of DNA[1], which is the genetic building block of our human organism. These two threads illustrate the distinct yet intertwined nature of Being and Doing. Both strands are needed, and each requires the growth of different aspects of ourselves as coaches and leaders.

    Making explicit these two journeys are what make the Presence-Based work unique. In our Coaching, Leadership and Resilience programs, we include both threads. Through our methodology, we teach acquiring, practicing and proficiency of skills, as well as the internal growth and development of the coaching or leadership practitioner through presence. We don’t see that there is any kind of conflict here. Paying attention to both strands of development is actually an accelerant to growth, whether you are a coach or leader (or client). We find that Doing actually rests upon Being, and putting our attention on our Being will usually impact our Doing (and our results).

    More about Doing and Being

    For example, in the journey of Doing, we (and our clients and teams) may begin to realize that we have some default strategies, patterns and behaviors in life, and in work. These are what we call habits, and they have served us well so far…until they don’t! These automatic ways of interpreting our world are often what is driving our coaching or leadership moves underneath the water line. We may notice that these habits are not always the most effective response to the situation at hand. We may sometimes find ourselves in reaction, feeling triggered by something that’s occurring outside of us. These reactions can push us to take less than skillful actions, that we may even regret later. Think sending that email in anger to a colleague without cooling off a bit first.

    We enter the journey of Being. We learn to increase our ability to witness and then shift our reactive behaviors, which is the result of accessing presence (our Being).  Learning to be more present in any situation can offer us the awareness to make a different choice.  Coming from an internal state of presence, we can shift to a more skillful or resilient behavior, even in the heat of a conflicted or psychologically threatening moment.  Presence–>Awareness–>Choice.

    Over time, there are many milestones and certifications along the way that indicate a certain level of mastery has been achieved in both journeys. These milestones are often awarded to us as coaches, based on a demonstration of our abilities that meet the client’s needs around their stated coaching outcomes. And as leaders, we are rewarded for leading functional teams that produce important organizational results.

    Moving Into the Merging Lane

    Which journey are you on? Perhaps you are mostly focused on skill-building, enrolling in the latest course, listening to a trending podcast, practicing and honing your craft every day. Wonderful! Or perhaps you regularly take time to reflect on what’s most important to you these days, to re-prioritize how you manage your time, find space to be really present with your loved ones, to meditate or relax in nature. Also, wonderful! I suggest that in order to grow further into your wholeness, consider paying attention to both journeys – the Doing and the Being part of your development. Doing so will amplify your learning journey in unexpected and useful ways and move you toward more efficacy and even a sense of fulfillment.

    “Life Is a Journey, Not a Destination”

    I consider both journeys to be lifelong. There is really not a final destination to developing your skills and your presence. I’m using the “and” here intentionally. Both tracks are significant, and often most powerful when coupled together.  Especially in these times, let’s continue to grow both our Doing and our Being. We can offer our presence and share the gifts that we’ve been given. And from that place, as Doug used to say, we can “do the work that’s ours to do.”

    In contemplation of these two journeys, here are some questions to spark your thinking:

    • Do you have a preference (and tend to focus) on Doing or Being?
    • What do you know so far about each of these journeys?
    • What might unfold if you offered time and attention to the other journey (that is not your preference)?
    • How do you experience both journeys together?
    • How does your Being influence the work that is yours to Do?

    [1] “Deoxyribonucleic acid is a molecule composed of two polynucleotide chains that coil around each other to form a double helix carrying genetic instructions for the development, functioning, growth and reproduction of all known organisms…“  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DNA

    Bebe Hansen

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  • 10%

    10%

    What does 10% mean? I hope I’ve stirred your curiosity!

    I’ve been contemplating how change really happens. We’ve just completed our PBC Certification course (LIPCC) with a highly motivated and intimate group of learners, burgeoning coaches, and precious human beings. These folks came together for a six-month intensive container of learning, laughter and professional and personal development. I am grateful to play a part in their growth, supporting and nudging them to be their biggest and best selves as coaches. I found myself holding them firmly at times and loosely at other times as they each navigated their own territory of becoming. This coaching stuff is an art! I witnessed in awe as each of them grew to reveal and embody their unique style and expression of the Presence-Based Coaching work. I took note of how they held their collective intentions and were a true support for each other’s growth during this time frame.

    So How Does the 10% Fit in Here?

    As I’ve watched the sometimes tentative and indeed delicate process of student’s and client’s evolution over the years, I’ve come to understand that the way we might hold the notion of change through our personality or ego is not necessarily how change actually occurs. What I notice in myself are my own ideas about the way it has to be to actually “count” as change, which involves more wholesale and sweeping change. This way of viewing change does not actually reflect my experience as I train adults in a new skill of coaching or coach leaders to be more effective in their organizations. Hmmm, what’s that about?

    Change Happens in Incremental Bits

    What I actually experience is that change happens incrementally, in small and sometimes imperceptible bits. Change is not discernible until we reflect back to realize that in a particular moment, we did something differently than our usual conditioning or Habit Nature would predict. Evidence of the incremental path of change looks more like 10% more of this perspective or 10% less of that behavior. Of course, it’s important to cultivate our awareness of these present moments, so we can notice these tiny shifts. And over time, these incremental moves build on each other through practice, ongoing adjustments of application, and persistence. Seeing what looks like big changes at the end of this six-month container of our certification class was something to celebrate. And, as I reflect, I remember that the change journey really did happen in 10% increments.

    Notice and Name Change

    Speaking of celebrating, another way to apply the 10% concept is to look at how we actually notice and acknowledge (or don’t) our small wins. As I continue to shift my own perspectives about change, it’s useful to access both my mind-set and my behavior. How many of us have that inner critic voice that refuses to notice the small changes or blows past them in a whirl of busyness? How many of us feel selfish for tooting our own horn? What if, instead, we notice and name any 10% change of thinking, perspective, ability to pause before acting, or new behavior, no matter how small? We do this for our clients, right?

    There is Investment in You Staying the Same

    Offering this important noticing of change to ourselves and our clients nurtures the practice of providing internal and external support for the newly growing, often delicate green shoots of what’s emerging now, from the soil of our experience. These new and tender indicators of change often meet our cynical internal stories or external nay-sayers.

    It’s also helpful to remember that when we change, the bigger relational systems we are embedded in may be invested in our staying the same! There could be push-back for any change endeavor we undertake. I remember a moment from my teenage years when my mother finally went on a real diet, and my father surprisingly and blatantly pressured her into eating dessert every night after dinner. Not only did she have to fight her own urges to eat more than her diet allowed, she felt added pressure to not please her husband, who was invested in her remaining overweight!

    New links in our System

    This points to the importance of finding those like minded souls in our systems (or joining some new systems!) who are supportive of the developmental changes we are making. This is where a community of practice, like in PBC, or with other groups of which we are a part, can play a vital role in witnessing and acknowledging our small steps. It is in the company of those who are on a similar change journey as we are where we find new connections and stability that supports us to experiment, stretch and grow. Of course, this is also what coaching provides!

    Circumvent the Ego’s Warning System

    Another way I see the 10% idea is at work is when we embark on a new behavior that feels daunting, overwhelming or there seems to be a big wall in front of us. I’ve been experimenting with taking very small steps, inspired by the Kaizen1  philosophy. The idea is to make such a tiny move of change that the ego’s warning and defense system against change is not activated. An example would be putting on exercise clothes for a few days, before even venturing onto the treadmill, where you then stand for a few days without actually walking on it. You get the picture.

    I’ve found these 10% change strategies to be highly effective for getting me to take time to move my body. The 10% also works with time: like when I’ve finally sat myself down to a task I don’t enjoy (ok, I feel some hearty resistance to doing – I suspect you have some of those tasks you could name right now!). I set the timer on my phone for 15 or 30 minutes and tell myself that’s ALL I have to put into that task right now. And usually once I start, I get into the flow and I ignore the timer when it goes off. It’s the moving over that seeming abyss of the threshold into actually doing the task that seems to be the hardest part.

    Ask Yourself This Question

    Here’s an idea I learned from Wendy Palmer 2  as part of her regular centering practice.  Once we are centered into ourselves, we can then ask (I’m paraphrasing here): Can you bring into yourself 10% more of a quality you’d like to embody? For example, self-compassion, courage, serenity, boldness, etc. Pick whatever one you like. I find this practice to be enlivening and useful for my own embodiment, and the specific qualities I focus on can change even daily, depending on what’s needed in the moment.

    Adjust Your Sails

    Another idea that involves the 10% concept is the overall trajectory of change. It’s a sailing analogy (my husband loves to sail). On a sailboat, when you slightly adjust the sails to accommodate changing wind conditions, even at 10%, this change of direction, will lead you to a very different destination over time. And isn’t that what we are all about as coaches, change agents in organizations, and those committed to our own development? A useful frame is to remember that small, 10% changes will bring a big impact over time. We can develop the patience and trust in the process of change itself, while encouraging those we serve to persevere over time.

    Now, Invent Your Own 10%

    • I encourage you to find or invent your own 10%, in whatever way it might work for you or your clients.
    • I’ve offered many angles here, and I feel sure you’ve got others to share with our community.
    • Please do offer your additions to these thoughts below and let us know how applying the 10% is working for you and for those you serve!
    1. Maurer, Robert One Small Step can Change your Life: The Kaizen Way Workman Publishing, NY, 2004
    2. LeadershipEmbodiment.com

    Bebe Hansen

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  • Celebrating All of Me

    Celebrating All of Me
    Lately, the idea of including has come into my perception in several arenas. So much so, that it is now something of a theme. I’ve become aware of a burning question: what parts of me am I not including in my sense of myself? Describing this process with kind language, I begin to notice how easy it is to dismiss or brush away aspects of my identity that I don’t particularly favor or like to perceive. Using more truthful language, there are parts of me that I hate, am afraid of, or am ashamed of, and parts that I downright reject. We might call these shadow aspects, or disowned parts (see Brené Brown for more on this). What’s Hiding in Your Basement? The more I do this work around self-awareness and presence, it dawns on me that these long worn and familiar (and seemingly successful!) strategies I’ve adopted of rejecting or burying these parts not only don’t serve, they actually don’t work. I am unintentionally dividing myself and putting stuff I don’t want to see in my own basement. These parts of me seem out of sight, but are actually in exile, accumulating mold and beginning to smell a bit… because they don’t see the light of day in my consciousness. And sometimes they leak out, revealing themselves in the ways I sometimes show up. Through the Systemic Constellation and Judy Wilkins-Smith’s work, I learned the most basic principle of a system is that everything has a right to belong in the system (family, organization, community, nation), and if that right is denied, if any parts are excluded, the dysfunctional patterns and results of those exclusions get bigger and louder, until the system is at some point able to balance itself, to come into harmony by including, in some way, that which, or those who, have been excluded. I could go in a big picture direction at this juncture, and talk about the environment, or politics, or economic disparities, but I’ll stick with the micro scale of us as humans. I offer my experience as a reflection of the bigger principle of including all parts of a system, and as a way to spark your own thinking on this topic for your clients and yourself. The Cost of Missing Pieces for You and Those You Coach What’s the cost of this habit of dissecting myself into parts, some of which are “acceptable” and some of which remain locked up and hidden (sometimes even from myself)?  I see that there is a big price to pay in aliveness, energy flow, creativity and expression. It’s like the hose of life force gets kinked within me, and not only do the buried parts stay stuck, life energy gets stuck, too. And I find myself enacting patterns like over functioning around work, reducing play and fun, and generally getting cranky towards my loved ones. Another way the cost of this habit can show up is in coaching:  when my client brings something to the conversation that feels uncomfortable…is it her? Is it me? Something the client is struggling with might remind me (even unconsciously) of a dis-owned part of myself. I notice I can feel suddenly defensive or shut down or start pointing to the client as the problem. When it actually might be my own undigested experience that is surfacing that I’m concurrently pushing away. And here’s another whole category of those “parts that shall not be named” (a la Harry Potter), that I’ve also discovered: the aspects of me that are generous, steady, courageous, present, able to handle a lot of ambiguity and grief, and continue forward for the sake of something bigger. I notice I push those parts out of my awareness just as easily, until a friend or colleague or client reminds me that I am offering these gifts to them in the moment. And I remember, oh yes, these are me, too. Two Practices to Help Reconnect Different Parts of Ourselves I’ve been in some recent practices that have been helpful in remembering to reconnect these disparate parts of myself. To include all of me (or as much as I can be aware of in the moment).  Here are two you might give a try.
    1. Pause and Take a Moment of Presence When I feel something arising in me that’s unfamiliar (or very familiar, yet unwanted), my practice is to pause and take a moment of presence, to sense in to who or what is trying to be known in some way within me. I’ve been interested to see my growing capacity to witness these various parts. Sometimes that’s all that’s needed to have a little energy boost (freed up from having to keep that part hidden).
    2. Make Space for All Voices Another practice occurs when I’m under pressure, to notice in the moment the urge to distance myself from a certain aspect of myself. I am aware of having judgement about “her” as a potential derailer to the “all so important” task at hand. Instead of creating distance, I’ve been inviting and allowing space for that part of me to actually emerge more fully. Acknowledging her with kindness, compassion and love. It has been beneficial to at least to consider this additional view on the situation at hand. I am surprised at the wisdom available by giving these different perspectives some air time in my consciousness.  I can then choose what’s next with more awareness.
    I Invite You to Shift Your Perspective Here’s a perspective shift:  let’s practice welcoming these hidden aspects of us we can now perceive and be in contact with. Even the sticky or scary ones, and especially the beautiful and talented ones. We might regard their emergence as information—as data—and wonder what we can now do with the energy and aliveness that becomes liberated—energy that they’ve been carrying all along. I invite you to take some time to reflect on what parts of you might be out of your awareness that are longing to find a home in you. What gifts are actually waiting to be claimed to take their rightful place at your table? For the sake of celebrating all of you, all of us, in our wholeness. Five questions to get you started:
    1. What’s your relationship to those parts of you that seem distasteful, or are not welcomed into your identity?
    2. How would you like this relationship to be?
    3. What parts of you (shadow or gift) might need a home within you now?
    4. What do you imagine would be some possible outcomes (both scary and enlivening!) from including more of you in your work, your life?
    5. How might including more of you serve your clients?
    Feel free to share your answers to the questions above or your comments/thoughts.
    Things we resist in others tend to be things that we have not yet resolved within ourselves. Specific traits we dislike in others are often those we dislike within ourselves. I am inviting you to discover and own parts of yourself that you might rather pretend were not there. It’s not easy. It will however open new doors to compassion for yourself and your clients. Doug Silsbee The Mindful Coach

    Bebe Hansen

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  • A Video Interview with Bebe Hansen…

    A Video Interview with Bebe Hansen…

    About her journey, coaching skills, and the PBC transition

    In this lovely interview with Rod Francis in June 2018, Bebe Hansen, recently named Principal of Presence-Based Coaching, shares her personal and professional journey into coaching, talks about some key coaching skills and practices that support learning and change, and a bit about the Presence-Based Coaching transition.

    Thank you, Rod, for this time together, and for initiating this interview! It was fun and enlivening, and now is an offer to our PBC community.

    Rod Francis is a recent graduate of the PBC Advanced course (LIPCC, Living in Presence Coaching Course), and is a Certified Presence-Based Coach. Rod is the Head Coach Trainer of Bulletproof Training Institute.

    Bebe Hansen

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  • Mindfulness Tips for Behavior Change

    Mindfulness Tips for Behavior Change

    Mindfulness has been receiving wide attention lately in countless books, published research papers, and mainstream business literature. The physical and psychological benefits of mindfulness are indisputable, and the implications for coaching, behavioral change, and leadership development are profound. Coaches and clients alike can leverage their change work through these simple tips.

    Mindfulness: What Is It?

    mindfulness is a practice of paying moment by moment attention to our experience, as it arises, without judgment
    mindfulness is a practice of paying moment by moment attention to our experience, as it arises, without judgment

    Simply put, mindfulness is a practice of paying moment by moment attention to our experience, as it arises, without judgment. We cultivate mindfulness through any of a wide range of sitting practices, which can be as simple as closing the eyes and counting our breaths. Over time, mindfulness practice:

    • Develops our capacity to observe our experience objectively,
    • Replaces the inner critic with a neutral acceptance, and
    • Allows us to stay present with strong experience, and to choose an effective response.

    Stay with me a moment. This will appear to diverge, but it’s temporary… we will come back to connect mindfulness into the change proposition that is central to all coaching and leader development.

    The Top Down View Of Habits

    Please understand that our culture tends to view behavior, and the patterns of default behaviors we call habits, through the lens of results.

    In this view, organizational goals and objectives provide the context for all behaviors. Feedback, competency models, and change methodologies are designed to motivate leaders, and to support the development of new behaviors that are aligned with organizational goals. All of this takes place on the macro level of visible behaviors and organizational context.

    A Bottom Up View Of Habits

    However, habits are simply conditioned patterns of behavior that have become hard-wired and default responses to life’s complexities. We learned them at an early age because they worked then. Yet, given who we are now and our current challenges, we all have long-standing habits that limit our creativity, render us less effective, and/or cause suffering.

    A bottom up view is that our habits arise from unconscious patterns of neuronal connections. Behaviors that worked in the past (say, when we were four years old!) become automatized by the nervous systems’ built-in learning mechanisms. Biologically, this is a great way to save processing bandwidth, time and energy: we don’t have to re-learn what danger looks like, or how to respond to it!

    Once learned, however, our habits of thought and action become embodied and automatic. Never mind that our boss giving us difficult feedback about our sales presentation has little to do with our mother scolding us when we left a mess at age four; our nervous system reacts in the same way, and reacts far faster than if we thought it through and made a rational decision!

    Five Mindfulness-Based Tips For Working With Habits

    The bottom up view lends itself to exploration via mindfulness.

    When, through practice, we pay attention to the nuances of our experience, we discover that all behavior arises from subtle unconscious impulses below the level of awareness. We begin to see that these “automatisms” can be directly experienced as urges to action before they lead to actual behaviors. We begin to intervene with ourselves, in the present moment, to choose more wisely how we engage with others and with life.

    Tip One: Start Practicing

    Begin some kind of mindfulness practice. (Guidance for this is important, and easily available; two starting points are Chade-Meng Tan’s Search Inside Yourself, another Sharon Salzberg’s Real Happiness.) Research shows that as little as 8 minutes a day of regular practice can have measurable long term benefits. The main thing is to start, and to stay with it. Don’t be an overachiever… this isn’t about “getting it right.” It’s about starting, and simply doing it. Every day, even if just for a few minutes.

    Tip Two: Track Sensation

    Mindfulness practice emphasizes accepting our experience without judgment
    Mindfulness practice emphasizes accepting our experience without judgment

    Include, in your mindfulness practice, specific attention to the sensations in your body. Jon Kabat-Zinn’s influential work on Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction includes body scans, a formal practice of directing attention into the body.

    Tracking sensation (for example, our breath) can immediately slow our mental chatter and settle our nervous system, bringing us into the present moment. Sensations help us recognize, for example, that we feel impatient, or that we are sensing a disproportionate urgency that may lead to actions we will regret.

    Tip Three: Accept Your Experience

    Mindfulness practice emphasizes accepting our experience without judgment. We are not seeking to change anything, merely to be present with our experience. Our stance is neutral; we notice our judgment arising, and we simply accept that it’s there, and let it go.

    This acceptance short circuits the sometimes automatic commentary and interpretation that naturally accompanies all experience. Through acceptance, we come to see the external situation as it is: objectively and dispassionately. And, we see, and accept, the internal reactions, judgments, and impulses that arise automatically in response to our situation, but which might not lead to the wisest course of action!

    This neutral stance allows for a much more creative and expansive range of choices than the narrowed, reactive automatisms that often drive our behavior.

    Tip Four: Observe Yourself In Action

    Change requires being able to observe ourselves doing what isn’t working, and knowing what an alternative might be. Then, we must interrupt our well-rehearsed automatic tendencies and, in the heat of the moment, replace a habitual behavior with an unfamiliar one.

    Self-observation is a rigorous daily practice of reflecting, and writing down notes, about the internal experience of our habits in action. For example, we come to recognize the subtle urges in our body that arise immediately prior to interrupting someone, or the way our own mental commentary comes in and prevents our listening to the person we are speaking with. These internal experiences are made more visible by mindfulness.

    Tip Five: Learn to Stay Present with Action Urges

    Impulse control is a demonstrated benefit of mindfulness. When we recognize, and stay present with our urges to take action (whether to grab a second cookie or to vent unskillfully in a meeting!) we discover the freedom to either act on the urge or not.

    Familiarity with, and acceptance of, our habitual urges (which are revealed in sensation) liberates us from their automaticity. What we formerly were driven by, we now see objectively, simply as a phenomenon that is present, but one that has less and less hold over us. This is tremendously liberating.

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    Mindfulness means witnessing ourselves in action. Doing so translates directly into greater choice, creativity, resourcefulness, and resilience. While this calls for discipline and consistency over time, over time the neural circuitry of presence, choice, relaxed alertness, and non-judgmental acceptance becomes increasingly embodied as a set of physiological defaults.

    The benefits are indisputable, and the investment minuscule compared to the rewards.

    Doug Silsbee

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