When my daughters were each about 12 years old, we signed up for a course offered by a fellow mother, called Choices and Changes. The course ran over 6 weeks, came with a workbook for both mothers and daughters, and we were to meet once a week as a small group at the home of a different mother/daughter pair who were a part of the group. We met for 2 hours at a time, and there was homework to accomplish in the workbook before each meeting. At our weekly gathering, we had snacks, and would engage in meaningful conversations about what everyone thought about different topics the workbook provided. We all learned together.
The point of the program was to be able to openly discuss the changes that the girls were going through as they matured both physically and emotionally. To give them information about what was occurring, what to expect, and to normalize the new feelings, sensations and experiences of maturation as a human. That was the changes piece. The choices curriculum was about discovering what choices these girls might face, what values they were growing into, and to answer some of their burning questions about this whole confusing territory! It was an opportunity to have frank discussions with the mothers about their relationship to and lived experience of their own budding adolescence, the choices they made (way back when), and what they might have done differently if those choices didn’t turn out so well.
This was an outstanding program. The experience really opened up significant conversations at an important time of growth for my daughters. I am grateful.
Parallels to the Present Moment
So why am I talking about that adolescent program, at this particular time in our country’s history?
We have been witnessing an astounding and vast number of changes happening right now with a new president at the helm of our government. I’m hearing about the effects of these changes (I might call disruptions) from virtually all corners of my life: family, close friends, students, coaching colleagues and of course clients. And concurrently, I’ve been wondering what choices might be available to us to respond (rather than react) to these current circumstances? And how might this moment be related (or not) to an earlier time in all our lives (adolescence)? As a reminder, if you are reading this, you actually did make it through that tumultuous time in your life to become an adult!
Of course, the program I attended all those years ago with my daughters was based on the internal changes (physical, emotional, cognitive) that they were going through. This is an organic and natural human maturation process that slowly but surely moves each of us toward adulthood. This program offered the additional support around how the girls might navigate their external choices during that often-challenging process of growth at that particular juncture of their lives.
In our current timeframe, it’s more that the outside changes are coming first, and we must then navigate how we will each will respond to that. How do we make sense of what is happening externally, and how do we resource ourselves internally to face what often feels like chaos and uncertainty?
Facing Change with Clarity
One approach that’s been helpful to me and my clients is to acknowledge the actual reality that’s occurring. As clearly and directly and as neutrally as we are able. Without adding extra mental habit tendencies, like telling ourselves stories about what for sure will happen in the future, becoming immobilized with fear or powerlessness, catastrophizing.
Even if we are feeling blindsided and overwhelmed, we can notice a bigger view of trends, repeating patterns, scanning for themes in what’s coming at us. What is being revealed? What seem to be the underlying truth, beneath the noise, smoke and chatter? Instead of getting caught in trying to take in so many details, looking underneath the surface content and speed of communication to the second layer down. Watching for bigger chunks. This might start to address the change part of the equation.
Cultivating Choice
To begin to grasp our choices, we can create a distinction between the changes outside of us and what’s happening inside us. We can name, honor and bring compassion to what is occurring inside of us. Noticing any reactivity, urges to act out in anger or frustration, or collapse into cynicism or resignation. We can become present to how the outside is affecting the inside. I am consistently surprised at how much this helps me get my bearing in the external context, as well as leads to feelings of control and empowerment. I do have a choice here!
Instead of feeling at the mercy of the onslaught, I can resource myself, settle more into my breath and body, sense into my heart’s emotions. Again, naming and norming everything we feel, notice our nervous system’s activation into fight, flight, or checking out. Simply observing. What’s our thinking like right now? Speeded up, attention all over the map, can’t stop repetitive thoughts of doom, telling ourselves stories of fear? Bringing presence to this moment has an incredibly calming effect, allows us to observe without getting pulled in, while building our individual capacity to tolerate the uncertainty of the future.
We can cultivate the fundamental choice we have as a human to pay attention to what we choose, not to what someone else chooses for us. This is a core of resilience, and of the Presence-Based work. The practice of noticing, naming and resourcing ourselves, moment to moment. Being kind to ourselves. Of course we are feeling pulled in! Of course we are feeling triggered!
Taking Skillful Action
Once we are more settled back into our own seats, with our nervous system moving toward a more neutral stance, we see that we have choices that open in our awareness. Choices around mindset, mood and behavior. We can begin to discern what action to take. This becomes a real choice, not just following a reactive urge to get out of what feels like suffering. What is the clear, most impactful and skillful action we can take? To have our voice heard, to make our feelings known, to experience the support of taking action in a community.
And what action is needed around self-care? Showing up for yourself in a way that is kind, caring, compassionate. Engaging in regular body-mind practices (exercise, being outside in nature, meditation, doing creative work like journaling or other arts). Intentionally placing yourself in connection with others who are resourced internally that supports your system to regulate itself. Fueling ourselves allows us to care for others from a place of ease, not strain.
A Moment to Reflect
This moment in time is an opportunity to reflect on our past – our own life’s changes and choices that we have already navigated with success. We’ve made it this far, and have grown tremendously, even if there were some rocky roads we traveled through. What life lessons have we learned so far? Who or what can we call on right now for support or guidance? We are older and wiser, and more present and discerning. More intelligent and caring. We each have a unique perspective to bring to bear on the many changes we are all facing in this moment in history, and we each have many choices through which to enact what we really care about. Let’s orient ourselves toward what truly matters and take action from that place of alignment.
Choices and changes. Changes and choices. The journey of growth continues.
